Stability

[Animal Riots Activist]

Hi Mr. Detroit Representative!

I think Todd gave a lot of really sound advice in his crit, and I too think this poem has a fair bit of potential (but is also in need of distillation). I'll try to only re-iterate from Todd's crit what I think is essential.

Starting notes: This is a really strong poem for a first time poet, you should be really proud. At the very least, don't capitalize the first word in every line. That style is outmoded, and you're probably just reflecting what you've been reading, most of which is probably somewhat old poetry. My thoughts:

I am a first time poet after reading poetry for my 17 years of life. However, a teacher recommended I submit this for a scholarship. Feel free to tear it apart (just try not to make me cry).

When one’s being is controlled -I too take exception with "one's", it distances me from the action of the poem.
Crisp and collected, as the pages of a book
Scraping through
Word by word -these 3 lines are very strong.
With fingers so deftly
Or desperately -this line really breaks the rhythm you were building. I would say pick either desperately or deftly, the reader (I) gets hung up in the contrast.
Pushing them through

When the sun rises in calculated motion
Dawn after dawn, meeting its delicate horizon
Perfectly in cue with the clock on the wall nice stanza, except 'on the wall'. Rhythm wise, something else needs to fill that void, but on the wall is a bit redundant. (where else is it going to be?)

There is a sense of Stability that is understood stylistically, I don't like Stability being capitalized, and I like it even less if thats the title of your poem.
Devoured with the utmost passion punctuation would be helpful with the continuity from the previous line to this one
For nothing is more celebrated than Stability what about the 4th of july? no I'm kidding. But I think "for nothing" echos that tone of formality (the same as 'one' in the first line of the piece) which might not be a bad thing.

But what is seen and heard is not always the forefront of truth-a bit wordy here.
Not always what it seems to be-a bit redundant here, but for a purpose
For the heart is incessantly watched by the softest eyes and heard with the most delicate ears
Known by the faintest of minds
But never understood nice work in those 3 lines.

And this man has a being
That is forever seen, eternally known I don't like eternally here, but some word needs to replace it.
His being, his meaning
Is crisp, collected
Stable
So it seems-nice isolation line

Yet his slumber scrapes through like a book
Tainted with stains-the combination of these images confuses me
Beaten mercilessly as the pages are ripped
Word by word -nice parallel structure
By filthy fingers with dirty bruises
Deftly
Fingers that grasp for Stability
Desperately hmm, ok I see now. Find a way to include both words earlier, but in a different fashion. This is nice I think.
And his screams are unheard
Word by word-too close a succession for this third repetition to be effective.
The clock never stops its jesting with each click
For it is Stable
So it seems

But this is merely slumber
So when the sun meets its horizon
And the tormenting clock
Is now singing its praise
It is reminder that the day must begin
Dirty pages must turn
He will wake
He will smile
He is Stable
So it seems these last 6 lines are superfluous and excessive.

You've got an idea to build on. Like todd said, pare it down, then fill in whatever cracks you need to. Also don't be disheartened by crits, and keep writing. If you do, I swear, you'll look back on this poem with fondness and say "wow, I have progressed so much since I wrote this piece." I know I have a poem like that; the poem that sort of keys you into realizing that this might be something you might want to do. I bet Todd has a poem like that too.