06-05-2015, 12:12 PM
Your poem leaves a clear impression on me when I read it, in that sense I believe you have accomplished what you were trying to. Perhaps of my own fault, I have a hard time relating some of the more introspective pieces of the work,
"The wick.. almost gone.
A star in the room of her mind.
It is so far away, barely flickering."
It would be a lie to say it doesn't make sense with the subject matter. It would probably also be incorrect to say that it's unnecessary. Despite this, I can't help but feel it is cliche and doesn't do the narrative driven parts any justice. Another example could be,
"Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist.
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss."
At the beginning of the poem, I had a very clear image of the character, but by this point I'm completely lost upon that aspect. Almost every line of the poem by this point appears to take place within the character's mind and I really disagree with that choice of direction. It's almost like the setting changes entirely to a dream without any justification, leaving me dissatisfied.
Another way of thinking about it could be, you've introduced (with striking imagery by the way!) a really interesting place to tell a story and then abandon that element to divulge ideas dealing with your message laboriously 'til the end.
I feel like I could just be interpreting the transitions badly, but that could be a good point of reform or reconsideration anyway. My suggestions are probably not suited for direct editing. As I said in the beginning it really did leave a clear impression on me, so kudos for that.
"The wick.. almost gone.
A star in the room of her mind.
It is so far away, barely flickering."
It would be a lie to say it doesn't make sense with the subject matter. It would probably also be incorrect to say that it's unnecessary. Despite this, I can't help but feel it is cliche and doesn't do the narrative driven parts any justice. Another example could be,
"Everyone picks her apart.
But they don't exist.
A step forward, a few steps more.
The cold washes them into the abyss."
At the beginning of the poem, I had a very clear image of the character, but by this point I'm completely lost upon that aspect. Almost every line of the poem by this point appears to take place within the character's mind and I really disagree with that choice of direction. It's almost like the setting changes entirely to a dream without any justification, leaving me dissatisfied.
Another way of thinking about it could be, you've introduced (with striking imagery by the way!) a really interesting place to tell a story and then abandon that element to divulge ideas dealing with your message laboriously 'til the end.
I feel like I could just be interpreting the transitions badly, but that could be a good point of reform or reconsideration anyway. My suggestions are probably not suited for direct editing. As I said in the beginning it really did leave a clear impression on me, so kudos for that.