06-05-2015, 11:54 AM
It seems like I am the minority, but I thought stanza 2 was my favorite. It's that one I think that makes this piece really come off genuine rather than forced, in my opinion.
Stanza 3 really worries me, when I take a close look at it.
"Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet if you intend on keeping this stanza without rewriting then,
again, but this time I’d be different, don't separate the phrase "we'd meet again," with a line break.
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other."
The whole stanza needs to be rethought it seems, the punctuation does not disguise the poor quality of the sentence and it really detracts from your work. Really confusing and only held together by how transparent your message is that I can assume I know what you're talking about.
I feel like you would really benefit from putting more deliberation into the last stanza. The repetition of "thought" in two lines gives me the impression that you just decided to call it good after you had all the lines down. I won't comment on the quality of the imagery, I think it could be held together and edited with a lower priority than what seem like glaring mistakes to me.
You have a lot of good ideas, but just having an amalgamation of good ideas and a message that you are too eager to exploit does not make a poem finished.
Stanza 3 really worries me, when I take a close look at it.
"Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet if you intend on keeping this stanza without rewriting then,
again, but this time I’d be different, don't separate the phrase "we'd meet again," with a line break.
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other."
The whole stanza needs to be rethought it seems, the punctuation does not disguise the poor quality of the sentence and it really detracts from your work. Really confusing and only held together by how transparent your message is that I can assume I know what you're talking about.
I feel like you would really benefit from putting more deliberation into the last stanza. The repetition of "thought" in two lines gives me the impression that you just decided to call it good after you had all the lines down. I won't comment on the quality of the imagery, I think it could be held together and edited with a lower priority than what seem like glaring mistakes to me.
You have a lot of good ideas, but just having an amalgamation of good ideas and a message that you are too eager to exploit does not make a poem finished.