06-04-2015, 12:33 PM
Sent shivers down my spine. When you came in and out of all caps...that did it for me.
"In the darkness/there are hands" powerful, aching, mysterious way to end this.
I can tell (maybe I'm wrong) that this is a very personal experience for you. As Azrhael mentioned, the phrases atop of each other gives your poem more impact than it would have had you written it in a different way.
One thing--I felt "Why am I trembling" was weaker compared to the other lines of the poem. I don't think you should take the line out entirely (you need a transition between "I'm told/not to fear" and "In the darkness") but maybe come up with something stronger.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this (three times) to a great extent. Well done.
"In the darkness/there are hands" powerful, aching, mysterious way to end this.
I can tell (maybe I'm wrong) that this is a very personal experience for you. As Azrhael mentioned, the phrases atop of each other gives your poem more impact than it would have had you written it in a different way.
One thing--I felt "Why am I trembling" was weaker compared to the other lines of the poem. I don't think you should take the line out entirely (you need a transition between "I'm told/not to fear" and "In the darkness") but maybe come up with something stronger.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this (three times) to a great extent. Well done.