06-04-2015, 05:51 AM
I think you are trying to do a sonnet...but you need more work on your iambic pentameter to even attempt a sonnet. The meter is so scattered I can't for the life of me find your intended feet half the time. When you are writing in iambs, it is really important to think about the natural stresses in a word, and use that to anchor your feet...then you can work around that if you want to do a trochee, etc.
Your volta works, but it is fairly weak as far as voltas go. dream vs reality has been overdone.
Overall, the whole concept of the poem is flimsy. It has not enhanced nor altered my life as a reader any (except waste my time.) Other than the haphazard pentameter and forced and mundane end rhymes, there is no real attempt to use other poetic devices. There are many places on this forum for you to learn about sonnets and iambic pentameter, and poetic devices in general. I hope that you will peruse through and participate in them.
Had you posted this in Novice or Mild, my reaction would have been more nurturing, but here in Serious, you will receive nothing but brutal honesty.
Welcome aboard. Hope to read more from you in the future.
Your volta works, but it is fairly weak as far as voltas go. dream vs reality has been overdone.
Overall, the whole concept of the poem is flimsy. It has not enhanced nor altered my life as a reader any (except waste my time.) Other than the haphazard pentameter and forced and mundane end rhymes, there is no real attempt to use other poetic devices. There are many places on this forum for you to learn about sonnets and iambic pentameter, and poetic devices in general. I hope that you will peruse through and participate in them.
Had you posted this in Novice or Mild, my reaction would have been more nurturing, but here in Serious, you will receive nothing but brutal honesty.
Welcome aboard. Hope to read more from you in the future.