06-03-2015, 10:23 PM
(05-18-2015, 05:39 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: You came to class drunk.Hi,
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.
This is not normal.
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?
Whilst some might say this is a cheesy topic I'm glad you have written about it. The reason being, sorry to tell you, that we often find pleasure in others misery. Bravo!
Just a couple of observations:
1- You end line five with "but...", the elips works if it is supposed to be read as a trail, e.g. Buuut. However, if 'but' is being used as a substitute to 'though' the elips is unnecessary. I personally feel it would be better to put 'but' at the beginning of line six "but she tells me this is normal".
2- In line one you use "you" yet in line six you use "she", is she refering to a third party or is it the same person as line one? If it is a third party you need to clarify who she is. If its the same person you need to try and avoid changing between you and she.
Side note: As people have said, your last line seems to be weak...this doesn't mean it is horrible though, perhaps you should use it to link the poem back to 'yourself'. E.g. no one will love you the way I do.

