NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[Municipal Alchemist]

This is a beautifully written sonnet, one that flows naturally within the form without drawing to much attention to the structure. My strategy here is to recommend some small changes to words that I think help with clarity/sentence structure without sacrificing the form. If you feel they're too much of a departure from what you want, that is totally your call. Hope it helps! This is a deeply emotional and delicate poem (quite like its topic), so I'm trying to keep those aspects intact. It's lovely to read.

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours with ours held ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; (shifting) lines I'm not sold on shifting. It fits the tone, but is a little confusing in the narrative.
of on monitors and regulators beep  
their a sharp cacophony of vital signs.  "their" feels to harsh for an unstressed syllable
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel trace the lines along plump soft palms, your future grand "plump" should be unstressed, soft is also stressed, but the assonance with "palms" disguises that a bit more
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,  
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us, or our deepest pride,  I'm not a parent, but I think any child is both. Revel in the contradiction! But is it a contradiction? A parent's pride comes from their child surpassing them, taking their place as they move into the world.
like any other child, just but multiplied.

That ended up being more edits than I thought! This is my own stylistic take on your poem, using what you had as a guide, so approach it only as an interpretation.

Hi, and thanks so much for taking the time with this one.
L1: I fear I agree with tectak that the whole you breathe/we hold (breath) doesn't work, it needs a rewrite, thanks for trying to make it work.
L5: Thanks for the comment on shifting, it may be one of the problems there, I'll think on it.
L6: Yes to the change to "on", good one. Same with the change for L7.
L10: It's a stinker but pivotal, thanks for adding your two cents, I need all the help I can get with it. Did you mind the extra foot?
L13: Nice change.
L14: I originally had but and changed it to just, I'll rethink it.

So, those are my impressions of your impressions. I love going into an edit with all that Pigpen ammo, for me the differing views really help me figure out what the hell I'm really trying to say (tho sometimes my head just keeps spinning). I appreciate your clear input and hopefully will put it to good use.

I didn't even notice the extra foot! so my answer is that it's fine.