closed lids

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

Let me give you some comments on your poem.

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,--So, we have the speaker feeling an emotional coldness, a lack of effect like moving down an internal dimming switch.
and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind,--I like your alliteration here l-b-l-b. It has a pleasing sound to it. 
I feel a colder singularity,--Singularity is a fantastic word choice. Dimmer switch becomes black hole.
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind.--This feels too weak to sit with the imagery. Limp and impotent have their own sexual suggestions but it just feels like a cold singularity would lead to a different outcome. It doesn't sound bad. This is more of a content cause effect thing I'm getting at.
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor;
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.--Going to tears in this way just gives a throw away sense of melodrama. I'd consider looking for a substitute that is more interesting.
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead.--The door is dead is a cool idea.

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out.--This line feels totally out of place. If you had everything moving toward darkness above. I think you need to continue with that focus. Moving to puppet imagery isn't effective. I also am not a fan of this shift to "one" it feels impersonal.
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt.--This seems more than a friendship. It feels like it needs another word choice.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in--I like sidle
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.--Again sin is a little vague and abstract. Warmth is an element of light so you could develop that. It feels like she needs to bring up the lights.


I'm mixed billy. The poem sounds pretty good as it is. I think the issue that you need to consider working on though is to develop the imagery more and let the content flow from that. It would probably make for a more satisfying, complete read of the poem.

Best,

Todd