Triptych Edit #1

[Todd]

Hello Em,

Now we get into the more subjective nature of edits. Here are some comments below:

Edit #1:

Triptych--This title gives you so much freedom to contrast your imagery between scenes and stay connected by theme. I think you're doing well with pushing it. I think one question to ask yourself though is if you're pushing far enough. I'm not implying that you aren't, it's just something to consider.

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia
         All you can eat--This feels improved. Dropping the = sign helped by not jarring me out of the poem.

It’s very pretty to be--I still don't think this line adds anything, but we can put that down to a style choice at this point. It also doesn't kill the section for me either.
sitting on the quad
eating quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.--I still very much like potbelly fire. I like the juxtaposition of images.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism.--In this case, no idea that cannot be devoured.

* * *

There’s a man with two contorted hands,--I prefer wrenched to contorted here. It's a more interesting word choice. There is nothing that would stop you from using wrenched and then wrenching.
wrenching light from his optical computer.--Optical feels unnecessary unless you're really trying to give a futuristic feel to this.
Ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,--Why not simply ten ten keys. The sled still feels like a wheel chair type image to me (not that that's bad)
he codes marionette personas to flow out,--I don't like personas. Marionettes alone may be stronger. We have a cripple of some sort interacting in an environment where he appears like the representations he creates.
to manage, curate, and patronize a little--Nice dual use of patronize with the line break 
joke store inside a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard
as he awakens--This he makes me think it may be the man in the second scene. It doesn't have to be though.
from a night terror--Perhaps Scene 2 is a dream. Perhaps some image of God pulling the strings on a cosmic joke of an existence. Not sure just free associating a bit.

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as they both dance--I'm not entirely sure who the they is. It could be the Scene two person and this one if they are different, or if there's a duality of sorts.
      on the floor
      like vapor


Original:

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals

Academia = All you can eat

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor


-Em

Just some thoughts on it all.

Best,

Todd