Get Away

[billy]

first off, i'd like to say i like the way you accept feedback and respond to it.

the poem;

the first line took me a minute to understand and when i did it was a minute well spent. like the [B's] and [ond's]. it sets an image that goes with the the title.

i like how you leave out any sexual connotations between kidnapper and victim, how you stay away from any relationship between them allows the reader to choose which path to go down, rapist, irate father. i think it needs to be a little more connected word wise.
the cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
usually i urge the knife but i think here a bit of wordage could help.

thanks for the read.

Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.

Get Away

Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer i'm  presuming it's the middle of summer, if it is, why not simply say it?
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. struggled with this line

The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget i see the need for [but] here though the word has an automatic [is ibut needed] in me.how ever, this one is needed.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, in the chase feels to easy, is it needed or is it a given already?
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled, i like the way this line gives the girl an underlying courage
through the duct tape binding her face.  

“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head.

“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”

“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel,
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” this is pretty clever though i'd suggest another word than growled as it's already been used to good effect.

The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.