06-02-2015, 07:40 AM
A few thoughts:
You end with a line about the speaker's sadness, but I didn't feel much sadness in the piece. Apart from the father's previous death, I see warmth under the snow as a metaphor for hope under sadness, but the rest feels more wistful and reflective than sad or depressed.
My favorite lines are when you mention food. I'd like to challenge you to really go after those images. Help use taste, smell, feel, experience the food.
I'd also challenge you to make the poem more dream-like, even slightly surreal if you're feeling brave!
I like the theme, it's very touching, and your poem makes me feel like the images are directly tied to the speaker's memories of their father. That could be another angle to explore.
You end with a line about the speaker's sadness, but I didn't feel much sadness in the piece. Apart from the father's previous death, I see warmth under the snow as a metaphor for hope under sadness, but the rest feels more wistful and reflective than sad or depressed.
My favorite lines are when you mention food. I'd like to challenge you to really go after those images. Help use taste, smell, feel, experience the food.
I'd also challenge you to make the poem more dream-like, even slightly surreal if you're feeling brave!
I like the theme, it's very touching, and your poem makes me feel like the images are directly tied to the speaker's memories of their father. That could be another angle to explore.