06-02-2015, 07:22 AM
This is a joy to read aloud! The last quatrain is my personal favorite, such precise word choice and rhyme. Line 13 is missing a dactyl. To me, this is less about content (which is actually pretty coherent and narrative) and more about sound and experimentation, and I think you hit it out of the park. Do whatever small edits you must (I think your word choice is better than you seem to think it is), but the structure and style of the poem are great as they are, and should be kept intact. Once you post an edit, I'll revisit it and see what I think.