05-31-2015, 05:17 PM
Thank you all so much for your comments. There's a lot to respond to here, so I guess I'll go in order.
Tec, while I appreciate your input, it befuddles me as to why it took you so many words to say "this 'poem' isn't my cup of tea," to which I say, fair enough. However, I did try to take into account your desire for more clarity (a common thread among you all) and your desire for proper punctuation (to a point) when making my first edit.
Leanne, I think the crux of adding to the understanding really comes from adding more to the second stanza, and you're totally right about going for something specific. In the end, these three tychs need to be tied together much stronger than they were in the original. Thanks so much for the comments! They were extremely helpful. Also the praise is also very nice and much appreciated
Billy, I tried to add more of a tie between these tychs so as to aid understanding in the latter two. And I definitely tried to take to heart the comment that it should feel less like looking from the outside in. Many thanks.
Todd, your interpretation was so extremely helpful; it really told me what i needed to do to sharpen this guy to get my desired meaning across more clearly. I added a bit of continuity/narrative throughout the tychs, let me know if you think it shows too much. I think parts of your original interpretation were really on point (namely tych 1) but the others were either close but a little off or rather far off (namely tych 3 left far too much room for abstraction in the interpretation). Thanks so much.
Mel, I'll send you a PM on it for sure, though I'm not sure what I have to say on spatial arranging will be all that helpful. Also, w/r/t tych 1, I only characterized the students as fish because I liked the interplay/pseudo-consonance between 'study hall' and 'sushi house'. It might be something to look at more in depth in my next edit for sure.
Marcella, I tried to take all of your comments into account, though for the sake of understanding, I ended up pairing out some of the stuff you liked in the second stanza, though hopefully most of it is still intact. Many thanks for the comments and praise!
To all, thank you all again! I think most of what I'm struggling with this one is how much exactly to show, and how much to let the reader fill in. To use a crass metaphor, I think the first draft was somewhat akin to showing as much as a women wearing baggy jeans with holes around the knees. This second edit, feels more like extremely tight booty shorts that show the full butt cheek. Admittedly I haven't sat with it for very long yet, so maybe my opinion on that front will change. Though in the end I'm looking for a happy medium of something like nice fitting shorts that go up above the waist, near the belly button. Cause those really show all that's necessary, outline the really interesting bits, and leave enough covered to allow you to fill in the details.
Oh, also the "10 10" stuff was supposed to be the really meager thread that held them all together, but I decided that really wasn't strong enough.
Tec, while I appreciate your input, it befuddles me as to why it took you so many words to say "this 'poem' isn't my cup of tea," to which I say, fair enough. However, I did try to take into account your desire for more clarity (a common thread among you all) and your desire for proper punctuation (to a point) when making my first edit.
Leanne, I think the crux of adding to the understanding really comes from adding more to the second stanza, and you're totally right about going for something specific. In the end, these three tychs need to be tied together much stronger than they were in the original. Thanks so much for the comments! They were extremely helpful. Also the praise is also very nice and much appreciated
Billy, I tried to add more of a tie between these tychs so as to aid understanding in the latter two. And I definitely tried to take to heart the comment that it should feel less like looking from the outside in. Many thanks.
Todd, your interpretation was so extremely helpful; it really told me what i needed to do to sharpen this guy to get my desired meaning across more clearly. I added a bit of continuity/narrative throughout the tychs, let me know if you think it shows too much. I think parts of your original interpretation were really on point (namely tych 1) but the others were either close but a little off or rather far off (namely tych 3 left far too much room for abstraction in the interpretation). Thanks so much.
Mel, I'll send you a PM on it for sure, though I'm not sure what I have to say on spatial arranging will be all that helpful. Also, w/r/t tych 1, I only characterized the students as fish because I liked the interplay/pseudo-consonance between 'study hall' and 'sushi house'. It might be something to look at more in depth in my next edit for sure.
Marcella, I tried to take all of your comments into account, though for the sake of understanding, I ended up pairing out some of the stuff you liked in the second stanza, though hopefully most of it is still intact. Many thanks for the comments and praise!
To all, thank you all again! I think most of what I'm struggling with this one is how much exactly to show, and how much to let the reader fill in. To use a crass metaphor, I think the first draft was somewhat akin to showing as much as a women wearing baggy jeans with holes around the knees. This second edit, feels more like extremely tight booty shorts that show the full butt cheek. Admittedly I haven't sat with it for very long yet, so maybe my opinion on that front will change. Though in the end I'm looking for a happy medium of something like nice fitting shorts that go up above the waist, near the belly button. Cause those really show all that's necessary, outline the really interesting bits, and leave enough covered to allow you to fill in the details.
Oh, also the "10 10" stuff was supposed to be the really meager thread that held them all together, but I decided that really wasn't strong enough.
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."