NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[tectak]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1

Hi ella.
Late coming and pedantic to boot. I think this is a keeper once you have edited out the  first line error of  holding breathe
You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb Of course, who else's womb would it be? Missed opportunity to enhance the drama of a caesarean (you did say lifted from the womb) by considering the physiological rather than the parental...so " We watch you lifted from the gaping(ravaged, outraged, ripened etc. Loads of possibilities) womb.
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl. Unless there is a football match in progress nearby I would drop the indefinite article in favour of "your"
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines Finely expressed but not glorified by the enjambment. You could end the line and sentence with "...abacus. "
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams. Structurally wonky sentence. Read it out loud. You think you wrote something else
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied.

Good work. Mission accomplished

NICU, For Dominic.  Original

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

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