Hi, em, I would ordinarily wait a bit longer to comment but I wanted to get in before you poked at the middle, my favorite part. So here are my first thoughts.
(05-29-2015, 04:19 PM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: TriptychGood luck with it.
A “ten times ten”
study hall
looks like
a sushi house
to cannibals
I don't understand the 10x10 study hall, and are the cannibals fish? I'm lost.
Academia = All you can eat
It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.
This I can understand, competition, yes? Fun to read and picture.
There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.
I'm not sure you couldn't find a less conversational way to say this.
* * *
There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.
Oh, I love this part, the ten ten key key. I picture the #ends of the keyboards lined up like sled dogs, the speed matches the lightning above. I'm not too sure about wrenched or "at his desk" yet.
* * *
a viper is heard
two steps and
a creak in the
balls of the feet
the hardwood floor bowing
ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
as you both dance
on the floor
like vapor
I like the white space and the hardwood bowing with the splinter and the vapor but I'm lost with lattice, and I don't know who you both are.
There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.
-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!
-Em
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips