05-30-2015, 12:32 AM
Natural syntax? PFFFT
The primary source of amusement for me there is the overworked syntax (besides the meter and the rhyme)! But I agree with your other comment -- I need to tighten up the images. Or rather, make them BIGGER! I wanna make, like, a Bat out of Hell sort of shindig with this ('twas sorta th'intention).
Maybe:
"A storm of dew all wet and cold
devours the road and calls the night.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall
like shrines to god-kings full of gall."
The primary source of amusement for me there is the overworked syntax (besides the meter and the rhyme)! But I agree with your other comment -- I need to tighten up the images. Or rather, make them BIGGER! I wanna make, like, a Bat out of Hell sort of shindig with this ('twas sorta th'intention).
Maybe:
"A storm of dew all wet and cold
devours the road and calls the night.
Umbrellas rise and schedules fall
like shrines to god-kings full of gall."