05-29-2015, 11:36 PM
As a preface: I need to know how you got the "spatial" thing to work...I've been trying for years as I have a tendency to use line breaks and odd spaces for emphasis in my work and cant seem to get it to work. Send me a pm please.
As to the poem: there is much to like about this piece. I don't know if I'll add much on my observations but I'll give it a whirl.
Triptych
A “ten times ten”
study hall
looks like
a sushi house
to cannibals
Academia = All you can eat
It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.
There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.
* * *
There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.
* * *
a viper is heard
two steps and
a creak in the
balls of the feet
the hardwood floor bowing
ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
as you both dance
on the floor
like vapor
Third section is perfectly fine but I'm not connecting it at all to the other two. I love viper/vapor though. I suppose I might not be looking hard enough, but perhaps you can add something to let the reader know how this relates. Perhaps I am just dense.
It was extremely fun reading an accomplished poet with a different and interesting voice, so keep them coming!
mel/bena
As to the poem: there is much to like about this piece. I don't know if I'll add much on my observations but I'll give it a whirl.
Triptych
A “ten times ten”
study hall
looks like
a sushi house
to cannibals
Academia = All you can eat
It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.
There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.
* * *
There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.
* * *
a viper is heard
two steps and
a creak in the
balls of the feet
the hardwood floor bowing
ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
as you both dance
on the floor
like vapor
Third section is perfectly fine but I'm not connecting it at all to the other two. I love viper/vapor though. I suppose I might not be looking hard enough, but perhaps you can add something to let the reader know how this relates. Perhaps I am just dense.
It was extremely fun reading an accomplished poet with a different and interesting voice, so keep them coming!
mel/bena