Triptych Edit #1

[Todd]

Hi em, 

Welcome to the site! This is a fun piece. Let me try to give you some comments below as I engage with it. I'm not certain I'm picking up your intent at all so where I take this could be very off.

Triptych--so from the title I'm looking for a either a common theme between three images or maybe a larger idea or concept divided into three faces, also these could each be individual triptychs between the sections.

A “ten times ten”--I can't determine why this is placed in quotes. I also am not sure what ten times ten conveys other than a large study hall, maybe a way of conveying a 100% or all people. You use that phrasing below without quotes so perhaps its to give a sense of scale and ratio. Ten times ten also could suggest I guess rote learning and put limits on creativity. Just free associating a bit.
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals--so, a type of study hall looks like a sushi house to cannibals. I like this. When I think of a Sushi bar I think of a lot of variety, color and presentation. So perhaps this is a place where all kinds of variety enters only to be eaten.

Academia = All you can eat--This would imply that formal learning is a buffet.  Perhaps a buffet that you can gorge yourself on. The concept may be important to you, but I don't like the line. A couple reasons if you are going to spell out times above and not use an "X" than I'd like to see equals spelled out. That said, I also don't like the "and here's how you interpret what you see" quality of the line. I think it limits the work.

It’s all very pretty--This feels like a throwaway line to me. I don't think it adds much and if you were to cut it the piece would probably be strengthened.
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps
over a potbelly fire.--These three lines are a great sequence.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.--Not sure if I like this aside either. If these are individual triptychs then you need something here, if they link then probably not. It might end better with "over a potbelly fire"

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,--love this image and phrasing.
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,--This makes me think of Stephen Hawking reimagining the sled somewhat. 
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave.

No real issue with the content, but in most (not all) triptychs you expect the biggest portion to be the middle one and this feels underdeveloped. 

* * *

a viper is heard--snake in the garden sense

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing love how this works with the final strophe.

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor-- I'm not seeing the thematic connection between the pieces but I love the phrasing in this section. 


I'll make a slight attempt at interpretation

First Section: People go to University/College and consume rote ideas and concepts.


Second Section: Some turn cynical, see behind the curtain and use the information learned in parody.


Third Section: Viper subtly implies the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. There is the pressure of lost innocence/idealism hardwood floor bowing. We dance like vapor unwilling to have our constructs collapse.


I realize it's probably a big reach. Especially enjoyed section 3. If it were a visual piece instead of a poem section 3 seems like it would sit in the middle--though my interpretation could be so off that that really isn't the case.

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em

Enjoyed the read. I hope some of the ramble helped.

Best,

Todd