Triptych Edit #1

[billy]

i had to dig deep to remember what triptych meant...thanks.

i can't see how i'm able to give constructive feedback, mainly because i like it a lot. you'd ask how can he like it if he can't understand the latter to panels? the middle panel lost me simply because i couldn't follow or understand what was being said/shown maybe someone who should be deep in study but really doing something else.
the latter reads perfectly and i feel i should be more on the inside than the outside, looking at windows with paper on. while it reads as a well thought out piece of poetry it is perhaps beyond my ability to see into it.wish i could have been more help.

Triptych

A “ten times ten”
study hall
    looks like
        a sushi house
  to cannibals  i like the build up and then the snap back to the pay off this line offers.

Academia = All you can eat the line works but i'm not sure the equal sign works well enough, would a line space do a better job?

It’s all very pretty
sitting on the quad
eating a quadriceps i stumble over [a] ceps, even though i know it's right, is the [a] needed?
over a potbelly fire. good tie in to the canibal meme.

There’s really nothing exempt from cannibalism
if you think about it.

* * *

There’s a man with two wrenched hands
pulling lightning out of computers at his desk,
ten ten key keyboards lashed to his sled,
running a little joke store in a digital tidal wave. while it reads well and the ten ten ties it to the above, i got lost pretty quickly, could be my fault but couldn't grasp what was being shown

* * *

a viper is heard

  two steps and
  a creak in the
  balls of the feet

      the hardwood floor bowing

ten by ten
splinter lattices
underneath
     
      as you both dance
      on the floor
      like vapor i can't fault it apart from feeling i'm not being let in on the secret. whose dancing whose the snake?

---

There was some spatial work I did with this one, but I can't figure out how to include it on the forum which is a bummer. But I'm not too heartbroken that it doesn't show up and it looks fine without it so I'd like to workshop it as it appears.

-Edit: Hey what do you know! It didn't show up in the preview but it showed up when I submitted it. Wooo!

-Em