05-29-2015, 04:54 PM
Hiya Em -- this is some enjoyable poetry indeed. The formatting looks good and serves to emphasise rather than just being gimmicky, so that's one trap neatly avoided.
The absurdity of the opening image gets the brain started immediately and we know we're not in for the standard ride -- however, I am not at all sold on the Academia= idea. I wonder what you'd think about putting a colon after "cannibals" and going with "all-you-can-eat academia"? As is, I feel that it breaks the flow and feels like too heavy an attempt at a punchline.
Liking the quad/quadriceps a lot.
I mostly miss the second tych -- I get the feeling it's a gamer reference so maybe I miss it by being nerdnotgeeky... of course, it could be a troll... I get loads of ideas out of it but I'm not settling on anything, which is maybe not a bad thing at all but I feel you're going for something specific.
In part three, the viper/vapor bookends work well and the incongruity of a snake shifting into a person (or a snake with people feet, that could be cool... but yeah, probably not, I know... ignore me, I'm tangenting again) brings this back to feelings of betrayal, deceit, a warning unheeded... I love the way it shifts under scrutiny and although I'm not eating the same dish you served up, I really like the way you've set the table.
The absurdity of the opening image gets the brain started immediately and we know we're not in for the standard ride -- however, I am not at all sold on the Academia= idea. I wonder what you'd think about putting a colon after "cannibals" and going with "all-you-can-eat academia"? As is, I feel that it breaks the flow and feels like too heavy an attempt at a punchline.
Liking the quad/quadriceps a lot.
I mostly miss the second tych -- I get the feeling it's a gamer reference so maybe I miss it by being nerdnotgeeky... of course, it could be a troll... I get loads of ideas out of it but I'm not settling on anything, which is maybe not a bad thing at all but I feel you're going for something specific.
In part three, the viper/vapor bookends work well and the incongruity of a snake shifting into a person (or a snake with people feet, that could be cool... but yeah, probably not, I know... ignore me, I'm tangenting again) brings this back to feelings of betrayal, deceit, a warning unheeded... I love the way it shifts under scrutiny and although I'm not eating the same dish you served up, I really like the way you've set the table.
It could be worse