NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[ellajam]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1

I love this new edit! I have a few qualms with the rhythm, though.

You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl. "and exHALE as we HEAR a RAUcous BAWL." This line's a bit awkward with those first two three-syllable feet (I don't think anyone would ever read it as "and EXhale"), and the lack of a fifth stress.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines I think "abacus" ruins the rhythm here (although that image is still great). Isn't there a trochaic substitute for the word? Putting the final stress on the eleventh syllable feels rather unorthodox, at least without the appropriate regularity.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand The changes in this quatrain make this much better than the last run, I think (travel lines flows smoother than trace fine lines, I think, with "trace fine lines" technically being a spondee and all). But the sudden increase of feet for this one line throws me off. Do you think removing "future" would damage the idea here?
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. A bit irked by this ending. I don't exactly know what multiplied deaths or cases of hubris mean to the parents -- feels like a sort of fizzle. This last line, I feel, could be deeper or something.

Holy crapoli, River, in my head I hear multiple yoga and tai chi instructors saying EXhale, and I believe I tell clients to EXhale myself. It may be regional but regardless we are wrong. Thank you so much, another instance where reading my own poem out loud did not help me.

So far the only substitute for abacus I've been able to come up with is rosary which I reject for its religious note and it has the same accents so no help. Old fashioned beady thing will not work either . This is not the first time I've been reluctant to lose a word to the detriment of the poem, I will keep trying to make it work, hey maybe it's the title and to hell with its meter land mine.

Yes, the line with an extra foot was an experiment. Someone once sent me a poem by a much better poet than me that had a line with an extra foot that worked. When I wrote this one it sounded okay to me so I thought I'd leave it and see if it bothered anyone before I fixed it. Thanks for noticing. And, no, future won't be the change because I fear that would increase everyone's annoyance with my poor enjambment, or run-on lines, whatever they are.

Yes, the end is not right yet, maybe "intensified" instead of "just multiplied", maybe not.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, I'll try to put it to good use.