NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[RiverNotch]

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1

I love this new edit! I have a few qualms with the rhythm, though.

You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl. "and exHALE as we HEAR a RAUcous BAWL." This line's a bit awkward with those first two three-syllable feet (I don't think anyone would ever read it as "and EXhale"), and the lack of a fifth stress.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines I think "abacus" ruins the rhythm here (although that image is still great). Isn't there a trochaic substitute for the word? Putting the final stress on the eleventh syllable feels rather unorthodox, at least without the appropriate regularity.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs.
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand The changes in this quatrain make this much better than the last run, I think (travel lines flows smoother than trace fine lines, I think, with "trace fine lines" technically being a spondee and all). But the sudden increase of feet for this one line throws me off. Do you think removing "future" would damage the idea here?
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied. A bit irked by this ending. I don't exactly know what multiplied deaths or cases of hubris mean to the parents -- feels like a sort of fizzle. This last line, I feel, could be deeper or something.