Get Away

[shemthepenman]

Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.

Get Away

Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. - very little of this makes any sense - and I mean sense in the broadest definition. 'jaundice absconded'? 'hemorrhage mirage'? 'mids of summer'? [what is mids? - did you mean midst?]...

The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget - 'wet' seems redundant. 'lest he forget' cliche + old-timey english = don't do that.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, - you are using 'blue and whites' as if it is a popular phrase instead of a metaphor. I would suggest using the actual noun for what ever it is you are describing.
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face. 

“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would - no need for 'but' here.
dance with night furies ripe for the lead. - over poetic to the point that it doesn't make sense. 'night furies ripe for the lead'???
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head. - no. Just, no.

“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along - best line in the poem 'oh that's right, I'm all wrong'. really good. But, 'let's' not 'lets'.
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”

“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel,
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” - pointlessly long onomatopoeia.


The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end. - this last is good. poem on its own.

I like the rhythm, disjointed as it is. I like that. I tripped up on the 'could/would' part, it doesn't work. But on the whole I like the flow of it. However, the poem, the content, is terrible. You seem to have sacrificed weight for rhyme and rhythm. All rhyme no reason.