NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[Todd]

Hi, Ella,


Well I didn't read any of the comments, and I missed this the first time through. Hopefully I won't be repetitive.

NICU, for Dominic   Edit #1


You breathe, we hold ours ready for a fall;--I like this better than the idea of frozen breath in the original, but it still feels a bit forced to make the rhyme work with bawl.
we watch you lifted from your mother's womb
and exhale as we hear a raucous bawl.--Despite my issue with line 1, this opening is a marked improvement. It feels more an expression of a moment and less commentary on a moment. Since you exhale in line three, I don't know if holding the breath in line 1 matters, as exhaling two lines down will imply the action. It might also give you more creative liberty to rework the line.
I count the possibilities of doom
upon your toes, my abacus; shifting lines--This line still sounds a bit off to me. This may not be better but how about: my abacus of toes and shifting lines. I'm not sure the syntax just feels a bit choppy. The idea of an internal abacus for toes is a nice image though.
of monitors and regulators beep
their sharp cacophony of vital signs. --maybe "a" instead of "their"
You dance the limbo of sedated sleep,--This is an interesting idea. I had never considered a jerky movement accompanying sedation, but I like it.
machines to graph the mysteries of dreams.--This portion is also smoother than the original.
I travel lines along plump palms, your future grand-- So, we arrive at the volta. I understand why you took out the colon to give the enjambment some layered meaning. I'm divided on it, but I think it works.
achievements, sweet affairs and daring schemes,--I wonder if the condensing into categories is as good a choice as a few specific examples. Again, you're limited by space but it might be worth considering.
your secret strengths revealed in each small hand.--while I don't dislike this line, you already deal with this concept two lines up so it does give you room to not cover the same ground.
You'll be the death of us or deepest pride,
like any other child, just multiplied.--I also prefer the final couplet in this version mostly for the idea of this last line. I like the reflection that this is like any other child, but is more due to the connection to the speaker.


NICU, For Dominic.  Original

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth.

Hope some of that helped.

Best, 

Todd