Condensation

[buildthestars]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.


Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place(.)
And Hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, <- reads awkwardly

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress. <- I know you're trying to rhyme but I don't like the use of "blackness" here
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink <- not feeling this line, kind of confusing

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E. <- really love these two lines together
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you, Beth.

The last stanza almost reads as kind of cheesy, and yet I really love it. I love the personal feel to this poem and I think you did a great job putting that into your work.