05-27-2015, 12:11 PM
You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my Love the flow of this line into the next
First.
I want to know what is wrong but... Ellipses feels out of place
she tells me this is normal.
This is not normal. Great emphasis
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried. Maybe show how the tattoo symbolizes permanence in a life that had a fleeting relationship. If that's what your going for with the tattoo reference
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? 'Past it' sounds cliché
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Different spacing and punctuation, but it flows rather nicely
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you? Cheese whiz
The first stanza has some very interesting writing, but it gets lost in the cheesiness of the second stanza. Seems a bit topical, but there is definitely something deeper here. You just have to dig and find meaning.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my Love the flow of this line into the next
First.
I want to know what is wrong but... Ellipses feels out of place
she tells me this is normal.
This is not normal. Great emphasis
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried. Maybe show how the tattoo symbolizes permanence in a life that had a fleeting relationship. If that's what your going for with the tattoo reference
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? 'Past it' sounds cliché
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Different spacing and punctuation, but it flows rather nicely
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you? Cheese whiz
The first stanza has some very interesting writing, but it gets lost in the cheesiness of the second stanza. Seems a bit topical, but there is definitely something deeper here. You just have to dig and find meaning.