05-27-2015, 10:23 AM
I lay defeated on rotted wood May benefit from a comma at the end of this line
deep ocean all around me.
I would escape here if I could,
but the only way is drowning. Love this first stanza, good imagery
Oh, take me to a better day,
take me to a dryer place.
Please, please, oh please just stay. Who is this in reference to?
Wreck my sorrow, restore my grace. Strong ending line, but preceding lines do not do it justice
The first stanza of this poem is great; however, I do not believe there is enough sensory detail in the second stanza. The first line (oh, take me to a better day) seems contrived, the second line as well. Furthermore, the third line in the second stanza doesn't fit. There is no prior reference to another being in any of the preceding lines, but I assume you are referring to a lover of some sort. If you put a little work into clarifying who is 'staying,' this poem could have a very strong meaning. Make the reader feel sorrow for the subject, show his or her despair.
You have a very strong beginning to a poem, but more work needs to be put into the second stanza.
deep ocean all around me.
I would escape here if I could,
but the only way is drowning. Love this first stanza, good imagery
Oh, take me to a better day,
take me to a dryer place.
Please, please, oh please just stay. Who is this in reference to?
Wreck my sorrow, restore my grace. Strong ending line, but preceding lines do not do it justice
The first stanza of this poem is great; however, I do not believe there is enough sensory detail in the second stanza. The first line (oh, take me to a better day) seems contrived, the second line as well. Furthermore, the third line in the second stanza doesn't fit. There is no prior reference to another being in any of the preceding lines, but I assume you are referring to a lover of some sort. If you put a little work into clarifying who is 'staying,' this poem could have a very strong meaning. Make the reader feel sorrow for the subject, show his or her despair.
You have a very strong beginning to a poem, but more work needs to be put into the second stanza.