05-23-2015, 09:02 PM
Hi!
I'm new here.
I love this piece! I think your concept was clear and translated to the reader lovingly and eloquently.
I did a couple little suggested revisions. You can either take them as a finished line or a springboard. Let me know what you think!
SUGGESTED:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place.
Hours pass within mere minutes,
Upon/amongst stained sheets, lovers' linens.
Tussles in a balmy blackness.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life, in endless ink.
You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.
Here's a breakdown of why I changed what I did:
ORIGINAL:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes. Too many "ands."
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, This read oddly to me. I felt it didn't close the stanza. I tried something like my revision to allude to why the sheets are stained without being so blunt.
Tussles in the thick blackness, "Thick" is mentioned twice in this stanza. I feel there is a better adjective to describe the blackness. I want to feel like I can't breathe because of the humidity in the room.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink This is clunky. It took me several reads to realize you meant "canvas" as in "search." I would revisit this and make your intentions clearer for the reader.
You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. Loved this whole stanza! Perfect as is!
I hope this helps! Again, I'm new, so I'm just jumping into common practice in this forum. Can't wait to read more!
I'm new here.
I love this piece! I think your concept was clear and translated to the reader lovingly and eloquently.
I did a couple little suggested revisions. You can either take them as a finished line or a springboard. Let me know what you think!
SUGGESTED:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place.
Hours pass within mere minutes,
Upon/amongst stained sheets, lovers' linens.
Tussles in a balmy blackness.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life, in endless ink.
You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.
Here's a breakdown of why I changed what I did:
ORIGINAL:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes. Too many "ands."
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, This read oddly to me. I felt it didn't close the stanza. I tried something like my revision to allude to why the sheets are stained without being so blunt.
Tussles in the thick blackness, "Thick" is mentioned twice in this stanza. I feel there is a better adjective to describe the blackness. I want to feel like I can't breathe because of the humidity in the room.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink This is clunky. It took me several reads to realize you meant "canvas" as in "search." I would revisit this and make your intentions clearer for the reader.
You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. Loved this whole stanza! Perfect as is!
I hope this helps! Again, I'm new, so I'm just jumping into common practice in this forum. Can't wait to read more!