05-22-2015, 10:45 PM
(05-18-2015, 05:39 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my (tying this to a later point, maybe
"I know we aren't speaking, but
you were, are, my
First.")
First. The sudden capitalization here throws me off, but in a good way. It highlights a typical thought in an often used way, but with that way made fresher with a bit of lime (eh?). Anyway...
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal. A bit uncomfortable with these two lines. The earlier is a good hint at what the rest of the poem says, but I can't help but feel that the line is unneeded. Also, maybe make the subjects more consistent:
"You tell me this is normal, but
this isn't normal." (I think "isn't" is smoother to say than "is not", but then "is not" heightens the abnormality the statement points to. I'm torn.)
This is not normal.
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.The ellipsis here feels like an out of place moment of extended breath. A period here will do. If you wanna keep the ellipsis, I think it would be better placed after "I'm worried".
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?Maybe break this into two lines?
"You said you were past it, but
is anyone really past it?
I'm not." That would tie this fairly well to the earlier broken but (hehe).
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. I think the construction of these three lines is a bit awkward. The commas before "like that" are what break them -- I don't think that's how the commas should work. Maybe
"You said you didn't like me
like that, but
I like you
like that". (the added break here makes the lines flow to the conclusion more fluidly, plus it's a neat little parallel)
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you? From "Can't I still love you?" on, the poem turns from the sweetly concerned to the distressingly obsessive -- for a person who has felt this way before, this works, but it's a new idea that I think the poem doesn't really need. "Can't I still be worried?" is a pretty good ending already, I think.
Will you ever let someone love you?
And quick note: Your title has a bit of a naughty cap-wise, hehe.

