Heels
#9
(05-22-2015, 03:41 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Heels
 
After four days of teetering around on stilettos
draped in furs and diamonds
going to all the most glamorous events and parties, 
rubbing elbows with A-listers I read this pretty straightly: "After four days teetering around on stilettos draped in furs and diamonds going to all the most glamorous events and parties, rubbing elbows with A-listers". It's a pretty obtuse construction for me: the stilettos are draped in furs? The diamonds are party-goers? I think a good deal of punctuation, re-ordering, and perhaps even omission is in order here.
"After four days of teetering around on stilettos,
carrying all the finest (heaviest) furs, -- not entirely sure how to treat this line. Somehow, for me, this or the succeeding could be omitted.
going to all the most glamorous events
and rubbing elbows with the A-listers"
But the images are pretty great. The third line is a bit too long for my taste, though.
she didn't want to look at the foot
of the bed when she awoke Comma.
fearful she would find a crime scene. Nice. Maybe a colon or semicolon or em-dash or even comma at the end instead? I find the next sentence as a direct extension of all the ideas above. 
She didn't dare try to stand by herself.
Where was that damn man
when you needed him
he'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell). I'm kinda bothered by the general lack of punctuation here. Some commas and end-points are missing, while others are (conspicuously) there, and I can't think of a reason why they'd be so unevenly scattered about. 
"Where was that damn man -- although man here could be a more concrete word, I think, for the sake of clarity. Assistant or lover or something, instead?
when you needed him?
He'd certainly used her enough
(not that you could tell). -- I'm a bit unsure about what this parenthetical adds.
She couldn't get to her purse
where she kept her pain relievers  Maybe an actual name for a pain reliever here? That would definitely make this line sharper. And possibly a comma.
and there was no damn alcohol at hand… Em dash, instead? Ellipsis usually evokes for me a trailing off, if used like this, and the poem as the whole is too sharp to suddenly be so bogged down.
possibly room service
would get her the help she needed: This line's too long, for me. I think this could be shortened -- at this point, I imagine the woman's being a bit too woozy to still be so eloquent, especially with the ellipsis (em dash) of before, and the sudden brevity of the line just preceding. "could help:
show some skin,
make a promise."
show some skin, hint at a promise. As per the earlier suggestion, to build on the sudden feeling of weakness I got from the earlier three word line (and to give each thought of this line more punch), break this in two.
She'd do anything for relief,
but no more damn heels.  I love this ending, and I love the sharp air of tired, er, I can't think of the right word (it hangs between floozy, sleazy, stinky, and hungover) this whole poem presents. Needs a good deal of cleaning up for me, though, as per the comments.
©2015
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Messages In This Thread
Heels - by Erthona - 05-22-2015, 03:41 AM
RE: Heels - by Tiger the Lion - 05-22-2015, 05:54 AM
RE: Heels - by Erthona - 05-22-2015, 08:33 AM
RE: Heels - by Tiger the Lion - 05-22-2015, 10:39 AM
RE: Heels - by Erthona - 05-22-2015, 11:30 AM
RE: Heels - by Tiger the Lion - 05-22-2015, 11:53 AM
RE: Heels - by milo - 05-22-2015, 11:55 AM
RE: Heels - by Barbito - 05-22-2015, 04:58 PM
RE: Heels - by RiverNotch - 05-22-2015, 10:29 PM
RE: Heels - by Mr. Creosote - 05-22-2015, 11:22 PM
RE: Heels - by tectak - 05-23-2015, 06:21 AM
RE: Heels - by Erthona - 06-06-2015, 03:06 PM
RE: Heels - by ellajam - 06-14-2015, 08:56 PM



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