05-21-2015, 07:06 PM
(05-21-2015, 04:36 AM)Mr. Creosote Wrote: Twisted leaves So what if they're twisted?
Unfurled by warmth My current mindset, the warmth is a metaphor for waking life, or the arms of the mother -- nothing so hot as to purify, to create transcendence. I would develop this -- or omit this altogether.
Releasing a pleasing aroma I like the internal slant rhyme. (and it is just a slant rhyme, unless you say "please" as "plees" and not "pleez", which would be strange) Again on this mindset of mine, I see waking life creating beauty -- again, this could either be developed, or omitted.
Slow steam curling The warmth and the aroma are enough. Omit this.
Leaves rise and fall and rise again I see the tapestry of life taking its twists and turns -- again, either develop this or omit this.
Unsure of where they belong I see you chose to develop it. Develop it further? And if you're really going for something more than a quaint description, make these developments a bit more overt (or shocking).
Floating with the few
Mingling with the many Few and many contrast, but mingling and floating do not (you can mingle why you float -- would be sinking to contrast). These two lines don't really mean anything.
They all end up at the bottom of the strainer Another point of depth, for me, but ill-supported. The whole depth of thought thing here would really, really depend on the mindset of the reader, I think -- you need to make things more overt. (or, again, shocking: with overt, you're guiding the reader to your point directly, and with shocking you're forcing the reader to think) If you're not going for that, and you're really just describing a cup of tea, this could all be compressed into, like, four lines.

