05-21-2015, 06:37 AM
so, i know you are thinking of putting this aside for a bit and that you are probably tired of seeing me in this thread but, like your second cousin that "just stopped in for a beer" i thought I would just grab one more "for the road"
First, let me say that I like this better. It has returned to a high interest level but the verbiage is cleaner. I wonder if you considered:
The future is unwhispered
cranes, the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.
A map cannot create a road,
nor a clock create time.
so here, I think these two should be tied together. The first is more obvious than the second so you could create a dependent relationship. Something like:
Just like a map cannot create a road
a clock cannot create the time
or something like that.
The horizon is always beyond
the vanishing point of steps.
To escape, you can only breathe
do you need "always"?
perhaps "only" too?
in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly
~~~
the rest seems pretty good to me. Nice to see you still working on it.
(05-18-2015, 03:07 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 2A (Alternate Choice)
The future is not whispered
cranes in the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.
First, let me say that I like this better. It has returned to a high interest level but the verbiage is cleaner. I wonder if you considered:
The future is unwhispered
cranes, the origami language
of gingham-skirted oracles.
Quote:
A map cannot create a road,
nor a clock create time.
so here, I think these two should be tied together. The first is more obvious than the second so you could create a dependent relationship. Something like:
Just like a map cannot create a road
a clock cannot create the time
or something like that.
Quote:
The horizon is always beyond
the vanishing point of steps.
To escape, you can only breathe
do you need "always"?
perhaps "only" too?
Quote:
in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly
~~~
the rest seems pretty good to me. Nice to see you still working on it.