05-21-2015, 03:34 AM
Tom,
Although there is a bit of a metrically pattern here, rhythmically it feels stilted and this takes energy away from the poem, an energy it needs. I could see where you might say you were experimenting with using the man's voice which would be halting. Well experiment tried and failed. As he is speaking in his head, he can have eloquence as the social fear and constraints are not in operation. Obviously the man sees himself as having a hard exterior, although the poem shows that he, like his grandfather have a softer side. This is verging on the trite and sentimental, but skirts the edge enough to get by. Some of the changes you made are solid, sweet to hope was a good one. Some other seem to make little difference, but above all else they do no harm. There are probably some nits, but I don't feel like picking them.
Dale
Although there is a bit of a metrically pattern here, rhythmically it feels stilted and this takes energy away from the poem, an energy it needs. I could see where you might say you were experimenting with using the man's voice which would be halting. Well experiment tried and failed. As he is speaking in his head, he can have eloquence as the social fear and constraints are not in operation. Obviously the man sees himself as having a hard exterior, although the poem shows that he, like his grandfather have a softer side. This is verging on the trite and sentimental, but skirts the edge enough to get by. Some of the changes you made are solid, sweet to hope was a good one. Some other seem to make little difference, but above all else they do no harm. There are probably some nits, but I don't feel like picking them.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.