05-20-2015, 11:33 PM
I'm sorry, but are you sure you want this in Serious Workshopping? There is almost no coherent meaning to be gleaned from this poem. No concrete images, and barely a complete sentence. Just as an example: "Should I pronounce the traits inherent in the Gothic gates-" Who are you asking? You should tell us, because obviously that person knows what traits you mean....but I sure don't. Also "pronounce" means either 'to enunciate clearly", or 'to declare formally and officially.' So you are asking some unknown authority to decide if you should practice your elocution by formally announcing the design principles and historical significance of ornate wrought iron gates?
Going back one line: "She is the Starry Twins called Gemini, that shine, are gazed upon:" So she is half of a pair of sequin-wearing conjoined twins that get stared at every time they go out in public? Somehow I don't think that is really what you meant, but if you don't give us any hint as to what your metaphors mean you leave us (your readers) no other choice but to fall back on the plain meaning of your sentences.
You also manage to get to the very end of a poem entitled "For Her" without ever giving us the least clue who 'she' is and what she means to you. I'm not even going to go into the gargoyles with bloody beating hearts in their eye sockets, or your strange need to announce that dogs are better than leeches.
I recommend that you take a simple, straightforward and mutually understood human experience that is common to all of us; then select one metaphor (just one!) and write a short poem about it, and post it in Mild Critique.
Going back one line: "She is the Starry Twins called Gemini, that shine, are gazed upon:" So she is half of a pair of sequin-wearing conjoined twins that get stared at every time they go out in public? Somehow I don't think that is really what you meant, but if you don't give us any hint as to what your metaphors mean you leave us (your readers) no other choice but to fall back on the plain meaning of your sentences.
You also manage to get to the very end of a poem entitled "For Her" without ever giving us the least clue who 'she' is and what she means to you. I'm not even going to go into the gargoyles with bloody beating hearts in their eye sockets, or your strange need to announce that dogs are better than leeches.
I recommend that you take a simple, straightforward and mutually understood human experience that is common to all of us; then select one metaphor (just one!) and write a short poem about it, and post it in Mild Critique.