Uses for Paper (Revision 3)

[Todd]

Revision 2

Oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes.
 
They fold the horizon 
like a map, and you might believe
that maps create roads, or clocks time.

To escape, you must find
the vanishing point of steps; 
you can only breathe

in the blue of the sky, 
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly

~~~
Edit 2: RN, you have a good eye. I think your suggested changes are an enhancement. I made one other change in S2. I especially liked the comma you suggested after escape. Let's hope this version has shed its gimmicks. It's like your poem is infected with lice.

so . . . the newer version is definitely cleaner but, as a reader, I think I prefer the spark of the original.

I think the introduction of "oracles would control the future" is problematic for 2 reasons:

1. Why would?  Is there a conditional that is never introduced?
2. Who are these oracles?  I thought I knew (or could guess anyway) before with gingham-skirted but now i am lost.

"Origami language of cranes" - hmm  is it really a "language of cranes"?  I think i know what you are going for but it was better before, you were mostly just missing an action verb - perhaps "spoken" or some such.

I like the idea of maps creating roads and of clock creating time - these are nice concepts that could really use some more development or at least focus.

Sorry I am not being more helpful.

No you're being helpful. There's always a tension between the spark of a poem and the execution of a poem. Like I said earlier these revisions were an attempt to strip to the essentials, which had me rethinking some of the ideas. As funny as this may sound, I'here's still a good possibility this could shift again pretty heavily. I asked a lot of does this really matter to the reader type questions. I think it's all part of the creative process. Now the question for me will be, "is milo right? has the spark of the poem been damaged? Where do I feel that spark is really located, and is the theme working the way I want it to?" That will just require some thought. I see revision as the original pulling against the new in a sort of tug of war. We'll see where it goes. Thanks for coming back. I appreciate the feedback.

Best,

Todd