05-19-2015, 11:52 PM
(05-18-2015, 03:07 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Uses for Paper
The oracles would control the future
with their origami language of cranes. Great first two lines, though I don't think the article for oracles is needed here (seems to demand an unnecessary sort of specification), and I don't see the significance of "of cranes". Besides being a typical arrangement in origami, what do those cranes mean? I keep remembering the story of Ibycus, but that's probably just a confusion of symbols.
They would fold the horizon I don't think "would" for these two sentences is needed, either. I would think that oracles already do so regardless of anything.
like a map, and you might believe
I feel uncomfortable with the stanza break here. The following ideas don't look like they need this sort of highlighting. I love the sentiment, though.
that maps create roads,
or clocks time.
To escape you must find Maybe a comma before "you"? Just feel that that break in the words would be a fair enhancement of the "escapey" quality of escape.
the vanishing point of steps. Maybe a colon or a semicolon? The following sentence seems very well-connected to this one. The evocation of art here is a brilliant connection with the paper, though.
You can only breathe
in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines
and fly. This last sentence is beautiful. The spaces between these last stanzas feels somehow gimmicky to me, though. Maybe connect "You can only breathe" to the earlier stanza (the isolation doesn't do anything for it, I think), and connect "and fly" to its earlier?
Overall, I think you ended up saying more with what you have (with "vanishing point" being a highlight new image for me, and with "oracles" pulling this story into a stronger context [I immediately thought of Greek Drama and all it implies with that word, which is a neat trick -- you might consider directly pointing at that if you plan to add more stuff to this]) so for me this is definitely a step to Paradise.