05-19-2015, 11:32 PM
Thanks for the feedback!
Agree with all your points. Worked on them all, too, but for your point on the "three tender kisses" thing -- I'm still thinking of a better way to spice that up. As for three, it just sounds right -- the simplicity of the word, coupled by its general significance, speaks to me the most. I could probably come up with a better reply than that, but that would be too much. (say, three representing the three aspects of the human mind, with each kiss, as they pass into the subject's interior, affecting a certain psychological urine stream)
Yes, the poem is basically about that. And the earlier versions are definitely verbose -- somehow, I think this one is still a bit on the wordy side, but since I just recently edited it, unless someone kicks me in the butt or something I'll have to wait a while to get to paring it down again. I'm too enthusiastic about this to work on this that, er, objectively.
Agree with all your points. Worked on them all, too, but for your point on the "three tender kisses" thing -- I'm still thinking of a better way to spice that up. As for three, it just sounds right -- the simplicity of the word, coupled by its general significance, speaks to me the most. I could probably come up with a better reply than that, but that would be too much. (say, three representing the three aspects of the human mind, with each kiss, as they pass into the subject's interior, affecting a certain psychological urine stream)
Yes, the poem is basically about that. And the earlier versions are definitely verbose -- somehow, I think this one is still a bit on the wordy side, but since I just recently edited it, unless someone kicks me in the butt or something I'll have to wait a while to get to paring it down again. I'm too enthusiastic about this to work on this that, er, objectively.