Uses for Paper (Revision 3)

[Todd]

The future is not unmoving 
cranes in the secret
origami language
of gingham skirted oracles.

So, there is a grammar error here which unhinges it a bit.  In addition, after reading it a few times, I grew annoyed at the gimickey line breaks.  One or two in a poem that point to your central metaphor and everyone is applauding your cleverness as a poet and handing you plaques and canned hams but after a while they scream, "look at me, the clever poet!"

I liked "origami language".  With the strength of that, do you really need "secret"? You should probably hyphenate "gingham-skirted".  I wonder if you just wanted to use the word gingham in a poem.  As a whole, this section is over-weighted with modification.  There should be a way to say this simply and more elegantly.

It is also not to be found
in gray brick, or frozen

clocks.

"It is also not to be found" - this is pretty clunky.  The odd strophe break reminds me of leanne's clever "white space" white space but unfortunately, not in a flattering way as it feels unnatural here.  Certainly there is something to be said about the future not being found in clocks - what a great, simple statement you have trapped here almost impossible to find.

The horizon cannot be pressed
into so small a square
to escape you can only breathe

once again, there is cleverness here but it is trapped by clunkiness - "The horizon cannot be pressed into so small" - this is just clunky verbiage

in the blue of the sky,
unfold in aerodynamic lines

and fly.

So, I am quite in the air on this one.  The voice is wholly your own and it is one I have become quite used to and quite fond of reading. As well, there are some clever thoughts and turns of phrase here.  That being said, the modification feels overdone and the line breaks feel gimmickey.

Milo, it's critiques like yours that make me so happy to be a part of a workshop that cares first and foremost about the poem. I appreciate the time you spent, and I think you've caused me to reflect on something I might do in early drafts (and this is certainly one of those). If I see that the poem is overproduced that may be a sign that I need to pare it down savagely. It's funny I rage on this in my own critiques because I think it reflects a lack of trust in the image, or a lack of clarity in what you're trying to say. I'm so thankful for another pair of eyes that can see that blind spot for me. I'll reflect and do a rewrite. 

Very much appreciated,

Todd