05-19-2015, 07:08 AM
Hi Todd,
I find "It is also not to be found/ in gray brick..." quite awkward phrasing -- I'd suggest "Nor is it to be found" instead, to take greater advantage of assonance. I also think the grammar is just a little too convoluted in the "horizon" strophe; the problem might be solved by rewording "so small a square" but I haven't got a very satisfactory suggestion just now. I love the enjambment between "breathe" and "in the blue of the sky", giving ambiguity by virtue of a pause and then bringing it to a resolution like a sigh.
Would "gingham-skirted" be better?
I like it and am intrigued -- I get a post-atomic feeling from this, with the Sadako story.
I find "It is also not to be found/ in gray brick..." quite awkward phrasing -- I'd suggest "Nor is it to be found" instead, to take greater advantage of assonance. I also think the grammar is just a little too convoluted in the "horizon" strophe; the problem might be solved by rewording "so small a square" but I haven't got a very satisfactory suggestion just now. I love the enjambment between "breathe" and "in the blue of the sky", giving ambiguity by virtue of a pause and then bringing it to a resolution like a sigh.
Would "gingham-skirted" be better?
I like it and am intrigued -- I get a post-atomic feeling from this, with the Sadako story.
It could be worse