05-18-2015, 03:31 AM
Thanks for the feedback!
May you pm me the shiny piece of feedback, at least? I'm a magpie.
Agreed on that first point. I don't think I need to specify if it's a funeral dirge or not; that next line shows it well enough. Changed maiden, plus a few other words -- still trying to get the sound sorted out, as well as seeing if everything could be tighter. That "April" bit you're referring to is meant to parallel the fact that the boy's brains looked like a sower's mess - he planted the seed, her scream was the seed growing up. Not sure if that reinforcement is neat, though -- the orange blossom-orange fruit play is maybe clear enough already.
As for your general glance, that's one aspect, yes. I hope the other themes are apparent enough -- without being too apparent, that is. First edit edited in top.
May you pm me the shiny piece of feedback, at least? I'm a magpie.
Agreed on that first point. I don't think I need to specify if it's a funeral dirge or not; that next line shows it well enough. Changed maiden, plus a few other words -- still trying to get the sound sorted out, as well as seeing if everything could be tighter. That "April" bit you're referring to is meant to parallel the fact that the boy's brains looked like a sower's mess - he planted the seed, her scream was the seed growing up. Not sure if that reinforcement is neat, though -- the orange blossom-orange fruit play is maybe clear enough already.
As for your general glance, that's one aspect, yes. I hope the other themes are apparent enough -- without being too apparent, that is. First edit edited in top.