Black Bile

[Mr. Creosote]

Hi, Mr, for me this was a jigsaw puzzle that never quite made a pictue. You may want to consider whether or not omitting punctuation is helping you here, ditto the capitalizing of each line. You've also got a lot of abstractions for a short piece, although I know what you are saying I don't think your way of saying it makes a lasting impression. Here are some notes.

The Sheol of the living I'd like to see a colon here or an "is" before "contorted".
Contorted reason turned inward
The mind is the cause Reason indicates the mind for me, I don't think you need this line. Reason is part of the mind. Reason dissects and criticizes
It is hard to understand its apathy You're not helping me understand how contorted reason turned inward leads to apathy. I'm lost.The mind is apathetic to in regards to the pain that it is causing

Transformed into a walking shade "walking shade" is interesting, but I don't know that it works if you need the next line to explain it.Two sides of the coin...being a shade makes you fade to the outside world, while depression makes the world fade from you
The outside world fades
Circular trenchant thoughts This was the one image I could grab.
Self-loathing absorption This line just seems stuck on to me, I have no idea what has led the Narrator to this point.Maybe this is too cutesy, the strange irony that depression makes you absorbed/obsessed with the very thing that it makes you loathe

So you can see this poem really didn't work for me, I hope my comments can help you understand why. Good luck with it.

Thanks for the feedback. This poem is more of a list of obscured thoughts...I don't even use the word depression...I am trying to imply the shame while explaining the feeling. Sorry it didn't hit home.