05-15-2015, 09:57 PM
First stanza is outstanding.
I am confused about how Natalie was just a fragment of his life. It sounds as if she was more than that, much more.
I like the thought on the following lines, but the way it is written is unwieldy. Maybe on purpose? Are you trying to convey discomfort?
Ash tree and death. I think it is clever, but is it forced?
"...of how
much less I should say since none of the words
made any sense to any of us: Paul, Death, or me."
Anyhow, I hate to critique anything that is better than I can write, but I thought I could help.
I am confused about how Natalie was just a fragment of his life. It sounds as if she was more than that, much more.
I like the thought on the following lines, but the way it is written is unwieldy. Maybe on purpose? Are you trying to convey discomfort?
Ash tree and death. I think it is clever, but is it forced?
"...of how
much less I should say since none of the words
made any sense to any of us: Paul, Death, or me."
Anyhow, I hate to critique anything that is better than I can write, but I thought I could help.