05-14-2015, 02:28 AM
The implementation of the commas and no-periods at the end of the pre-repete lines makes them sentences sound all the more chilling, with those emphases on the phrases and just the phrases. NEAT.
Still a bit uncomfortable with the whole second stanza, though; it still feels out of place, like an aside to, to me, an already very romantic piece. It would, I think, be more curious if it played exactly with every idea in the earlier stanza, though: I'm missing the play on the friends' goodbye and the chill dawn shade. And The first line still sort of needs something to make it fit the rhythm more -- er, "Marie, she died a week ago."?
Still a bit uncomfortable with the whole second stanza, though; it still feels out of place, like an aside to, to me, an already very romantic piece. It would, I think, be more curious if it played exactly with every idea in the earlier stanza, though: I'm missing the play on the friends' goodbye and the chill dawn shade. And The first line still sort of needs something to make it fit the rhythm more -- er, "Marie, she died a week ago."?