Condensation

[tectak]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.

Hi banana,
though you posted this in novice we can but admire your unstated (or why post it?) wish to improve. Subjective comments are more the norm here but there are nits within the body-text which you might want to deal with. You may already feel uncertain about structure and syntax, the areas where noticeable wobbles occur so I would encourage you to read the piece out loud to determine the places we agree need work. Oh, please don't capitalise every line. It gives the game away and tells us that you last read poetry an age ago. Some diehards cling to the Gutenburg glory years and STILL insert capitals at line starts;  it serves no rational purpose and only confuses. Onwards then.

Love evolves, in time and space; This is a statemental opener and as such is moot. Normally you woukd be expected to make an argument for the proposition but here you assume we all agree.I do not. Accordingly, the "you" word is misjudged; to build upon a polemic with "and and" is just asking for trouble.So:
My love evolves in time and space,
so bed becomes a favourite place.
Hours pass by which fly like minutes......etc etc

And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, Tell me what point or purpose is in this bizarre enjambment?If you can then fine, just carry on; but if not why

do it? Your call.

Tussles in the thick blackness, Read it. It makes punctuation a dirty word.Period here but only for the sake of the next line. The previous line is not a sentence.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress. You are a the comma kid. It makes for staccato reading. I lose trust in your ability to lead me. What is wrong with "Stripped, you lie upon the mattress"?
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink This couplet comprises not of two independent linked clauses; nor is it two linked sentences. It is in truth it is an over-ambitious attempt at punctuation without proving capability. We all do it at some time or another but the answer is as previously stated. Read it out loud. Remember that punctuation works best in paucity. Just enough is just right.

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. Well, if you are going to read it out loud, don't read it to Beth because she will say it's very  nice. Is that all you want? Weak end.
Best,
tectak