05-12-2015, 10:28 PM
I think maybe the sixth line would work better as a sentence all its own? Those first lines could be shortened, I think -- I don't really see how separating "greatest" and "mountains" works there. "As Shiva shakes / the greatest mountains / today, I wonder / where is srijantje?" And I think commas for the seventh and eighth lines are in order, perhaps as a sort of clearer division between those three levels of, er, existence (as in the tangible nature of thereness, the height, then the divine -- but that's too much).
and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't....
oh, and finally, the gods are usually much taller than mountains, at least in my vision. the gods' farts might be a more, er, appropriate image. (hehe)
EDIT: as in, i know that he's a he. (or a she -- that, I don't exactly know)
and though i know what a srijantje is, i wonder what the name could suggest to someone who doesn't....
oh, and finally, the gods are usually much taller than mountains, at least in my vision. the gods' farts might be a more, er, appropriate image. (hehe)
EDIT: as in, i know that he's a he. (or a she -- that, I don't exactly know)