05-12-2015, 07:20 AM
Hi Bananadon
Just some thoughts,
Sheets so stained, soiled linnen sounds a little blunt / cold for what you are trying to achieve, I assume a love poem to a partner.
also Blackness, matress sounds a bit forced and again cold, matress implies no beding.
The last stanza seems detached although I can see you are trying to make it personal to Beth.
Hope this helps
Keith
Just some thoughts,
Sheets so stained, soiled linnen sounds a little blunt / cold for what you are trying to achieve, I assume a love poem to a partner.
also Blackness, matress sounds a bit forced and again cold, matress implies no beding.
The last stanza seems detached although I can see you are trying to make it personal to Beth.
Hope this helps
Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out