Hail Marie vers. 2 mercedes

[tectak]

i have no idea what the form is or if it is a form.
i like the idea/concept of it. the refrains work well and punch home points made, though i think they'd work better with bit of variation.
however i have a couple of niggles. i can't stop wanting to see it in couplet format. and while such sadness allows for an odd cliche. you have some pretty large ones here. in the first couple you have a quite rage at her death after that the 2nd line refrains become less angry and more memorable. i wonder if it would be better continuing the anger right to penultimate couplet.

Marie died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye, we cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph.
I hear you laugh. I hear you laugh.
To sleep I hold your pillow tight.
Alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn air I make  believe.
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.
I doze beside you in the shade .
A dream we made. A dream we made.

Marie died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey, is but needed?
and touch her hand and stroke her brow.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head. very sad. [in an an emotional way]
I cried last night for me, not her.
In every moment she is there.
In dreams you sigh, "Remember me".
I do, I do, my Hail Marie. while i like the feeling of vows being remembered. hail marie feels gimmicky.
tectak 2015

Original
Mary died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye and cried for you.
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph.
I hear you laugh. I hear you laugh.
I sleep and hold the pillow tight.
Alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn air I make  believe.
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.
I doze beside you in the shade .
A dream we made. A dream we made.
Mary died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand
and stroke her brow.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
How I cried last night for her
yet in each moment she is there.
A dream we made. Remember me.
And I do, my Hail Mary.
tectak 2015

Hi billy,

you bang many drums. This is a form I use quite often . It is called Noknownform. The idea is to get as much meaning out of simplicity by letting the reader empathise (see dales's comments). The strict syllable count, as others have noted, is 7(intro) 9,8,9,8......until the unravelling of burgeoning thoughts at the end. I know it is sing-song, even comedic to some with an overdeveloped sense of humour but that in itself is the way of eulogy. Recent experience made this theatrically clear and I don't need to go in to it here.
I particularly appreciate your lateral thinking on some of my "stuff", in this case the subconscious insertion of wedding vows at the end. That is just the kind of "effect" I was hoping for. As for cliche, I agree. I make no excuse but labour an old argument of mine that cliche is sometimes the prerogative of the character/narrator but never the writer.Make what you will of that but it is a long held view which I may have to modify quite soon.
River made punctuation points which I will act on in an edit because the intent is intensified by such lines as "I loved her when her hair turned grey like yesterday.Like yesterday." Two completely different meanings in two lines but with the same words. I hope there are other dual intents in this piece but I won't be looking for them.
I will change the negative consequentiality of  "but". Its use is wrong. I am at a loss over the gimicky Hail Marie but argue that the eulogy from the character (harping back to recent experience) is not from me, the writer...or I should say, is not intended to be. Same logic as veracious cliche in reportage. No excuse, just an explanation.
Best,
tectak

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Hi Tectak

I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of one who finds herself thrust into the unwelcome role of "griever".  I read your poem before and after I got the news of the death of a close friend.

Quite honestly, now I read it and the last line is the most important. Hail Mary. It kind of assigns a reverence to the person you've lost; the fragrance they've left behind is like incense.

The lines:
loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.

The one I lost was 29, yet I loved her when her hair turned grey.
Like yesterday. Like yesterday.

Tense shifting is spot on. As is the switching between her and you. The only salve for the shocking wound of the present is to grab her from the past and talk to her/about her/to her.

Simplicity and repetition are vital to this piece, as is a certain "raggedness". Is grief tidy? I think not.

I prefer the original version, as is, without the break. Perhaps you could have two versions...?

Just some thoughts here! G. :-)

Hi grace,
well, you got the scenario spot on. Contemporary commentry from me.I will be saying(excusing myself) to river what I am now about to say to you.
One of the most noticeable problems of speaking openly about still raw grief is the characteristic "breaking down".of the narrator. It is as if the initial resolve to get things said  evaporates  into that heart wrenching stress of recall, then stoicism and control breaks down into disorder and honest emotion. I tried to make this visible by breaking the syllable count rigidity towards the end. It may  not be enough but it is one of the reasons why billy felt he needed couplets, when the  cracks would be more obvious. He may be right. I do not know yet.
Thanks again.
tectak

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Hi Tectak,

Let me start by saying that I like your piece.  It's a very poignant and emotive look at grief and bereavement.  It's also very hard to find anything that hasn't already been mentioned by others, but..........

I agree that 3 syllables would be better for the opening line and if the name can't be changed, then maybe consider something like "Marie just died, a week ago".  It gives you the extra syllable since I'm sure Marie would not want to be remembered as Maria or anyone else.

Then we come to the repeated lines.  I know that the repeat fills out the meter, but for me, I really don't think you need them.  By the end of the first stanza, I was getting a bit tired of them to tell the truth.  I would be happier (not that you wrote this piece for MY gratification lol), if they were slightly re-worked on each repeat.  "I can't let go, I won't let go".  I'm sure it wouldn't take too much thought to proceed like this, and it would feel less "lazy" sorry, I hate to say things like that, but it is what I felt.

As I said, there's not much else I can say that hasn't already been said, but I hope you don't mind too much my comments.  

best regards

Mark

Hi mark,
thank you for sticking this one through. It is  not veracity verse in the sense that is often (mis) understood in that the whole thing is observed behaviour and to a greater extent than I would normally admit to, reportage.
Having said that, your points are valid in that I often fail to see the woods for the trees.
I am grateful.I eat all crit.
Best,
tectak