Alice in the Asylum: Psychiatric Transcript (Revision 5)

[Magpie]

I'm returning to this one after some time. I wondered if doing a haibun structure would be the key to making this work. I realize these are not true haikus--not even slightly. I'm trying to do something different with this, and its possible the experiment isn't going to work. I'd appreciate any feedback. I keep finding myself coming back to this over the years, but I understand that I may not be improving it.

Thanks,

Todd

Hi Todd,

I'm intrigued by your choice of using a haibun structure for your edit of this poem. I think that this is a bold move, but a one that has definite potential and could definitely work. I like how it flows and the way that the haikus add a surreal element as a kind of alternative commentary. I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not the haikus are true haikus as such. It seems to me that from the majority of haibun I have read there are very few that have "true" haikus in the classical sense of having a seasonal reference and cut. There seems to be a lot more leeway when it comes to haibun regarding haiku and considering the fact that you are more borrowing the structure and concept of a haibun then it seems perfectly fine.

Having said that, I do think there are elements of traditional haiku that could be incorporated into what you already have here and also there is an issue of whether or not to use punctuation within the haiku here as well as when to capitalise words or not. For example with the following haiku you could have something at the end of the second line that would indicate a cut which would leave the last line to more of a separate and possibly stronger image. A lot of people would use a hyphen. Also you could consider dropping 'A' and having it simply as "Human Sundial" 

Through the warren
Small cuts on the arm
A human sundial

I would say the same about the following haiku as regards the last line and a cut, I think it would work here also. The other issue I would raise would be the capitalisation of words. I'm not sure of your reasons why but these two haiku are at total opposite ends of the spectrum in that matter. Usually in haiku I would suggest to leave out any capitalisation and to only use minimal punctuation ie the hyphen for the cut, however because of the nature of this piece I think the haiku could possibly benefit from a small amount of structure in that sense, some sort of compromise between the two extremes.

words scurry and slink
rearrange before I can speak
dyslexic mice bite

For example the above haiku element could be written as 

Words scurry and slink,
rearrange before I can speak -
Dyslexic mice bite.


With the next haiku I understand why you have those elements in there and the rhyme which relate to the Jabberwocky, but I'm not entirely sure that the rhyme part is working, especially because it is the only time that you use it in any of the haiku. 

eyes draw the Bandersnatch
claws that scrape
claws that catch

The last two haiku could also benefit from using a hyphen to indicate a cut and also in keeping with the minimalist approach of a haiku you could drop 'The' from the 3rd line of the first haiku and possibly from the second haiku also.

bones remember clouds
ceiling too low for breakfast
The empty bowl

The grin floats
laughter over my shoulder
last beacon to fade


I know that I've only commented on one aspect of the poem here and I apologise for that but I am sort of rushed for time, but I also wanted to at least say something while the thoughts were still fresh in my head. For this reason also I haven't read all of your previous versions of this poem to give myself a wider view of it and how it has developed. I do think that it is a very bold and interesting move for this poem but it is also one that I appreciate and would love to see work because I do think it has enormous potential.


Cheers for the read,


Mark