05-11-2015, 05:57 AM
Hi Tectak
I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of one who finds herself thrust into the unwelcome role of "griever". I read your poem before and after I got the news of the death of a close friend.
Quite honestly, now I read it and the last line is the most important. Hail Mary. It kind of assigns a reverence to the person you've lost; the fragrance they've left behind is like incense.
The lines:
loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
The one I lost was 29, yet I loved her when her hair turned grey.
Like yesterday. Like yesterday.
Tense shifting is spot on. As is the switching between her and you. The only salve for the shocking wound of the present is to grab her from the past and talk to her/about her/to her.
Simplicity and repetition are vital to this piece, as is a certain "raggedness". Is grief tidy? I think not.
I prefer the original version, as is, without the break. Perhaps you could have two versions...?
Just some thoughts here! G. :-)
I thought I'd give you some feedback from the perspective of one who finds herself thrust into the unwelcome role of "griever". I read your poem before and after I got the news of the death of a close friend.
Quite honestly, now I read it and the last line is the most important. Hail Mary. It kind of assigns a reverence to the person you've lost; the fragrance they've left behind is like incense.
The lines:
loved her when hair turned grey.
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
The one I lost was 29, yet I loved her when her hair turned grey.
Like yesterday. Like yesterday.
Tense shifting is spot on. As is the switching between her and you. The only salve for the shocking wound of the present is to grab her from the past and talk to her/about her/to her.
Simplicity and repetition are vital to this piece, as is a certain "raggedness". Is grief tidy? I think not.
I prefer the original version, as is, without the break. Perhaps you could have two versions...?
Just some thoughts here! G. :-)