Baby of the dawn

[YolaSm]

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

This poem is quite decent as it is, though there are a few things I would like to bring to your attention, just to make it flow a little better rhythmically. Here's just some changes I would make:

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head and locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm. (I think this is a weak line that breaks the flow and the parallel structure.)

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn, (repetitive)
no one knows inside you grows a little baby thorn. (for the next few lines, I'm just adding better rhythm and more visual imagery)
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and when it sprouts then you can leave.
No dwelling place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn, (saying "once" is redundant and breaks flow... we're all born once)
fire in the skies as you left behind that door. (this meshes with the parallel line at the beginning much better rhythmically, and is a bit more visual)

Over all, great job, especially since English is not your first language.

Very helpful suggestions, thank you! =]

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Thank you for explaining what you are attempting to say. It lets me clarify. For me at least, and I'll just use the one items, "thorn" has nothing of these qualities of these qualities, so there is little chance that they will simply guess them. You as the writer must somehow make that connection for me. It would be the same if I said " baby girl the cow inside of you must be satisfied before you can walk." How is the person reading suppose to know what qualities the writer has assigned to the "cow" when there is nothing in the rest of the poem indicates the answer. There is an old adage about writing poetry which was often quoted in my direction when I was younger and not quite so often now, it goes, "if you have to explain what your poem means, then it has failed". It is a difficult thing to learn, to learn when you said enough, but not too much. Writers struggle with this all their lives, so this is not unique. Somehow in the poem you must let the reader know that thorn=secrets. It does not have to be blatant. It could be something like "families are rose bushes, their thorns hold their darkness/shame so you only see their triumphant flowers."  This then gives you a context where thorn makes some kind of sense (I'm am not suggesting you use my example as it is very clumsy and only an example).

Dale

Thank you! You are right, I actually posted this particular poem here, mostly to see if people understand what I am trying to elucidate. In my eyes, the theme is very clear but I'll admit that I suspected it will confuse other people. Your comments were very helpful, I will try to rewrite the poem taking into consideration the parts that are blurry or badly written.

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On reading the title, the first thing that popped into my head was "Lemonhope" (which, incidentally, shares pretty much the same subject). But anyway....

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm. 

In line with an earlier comment, maybe just
"...
locked behind your door,
forgive us..."?
Locked behind your door doesn't necessarily imply locked inside your head, but it could still evoke it, especially if enhanced by the late stanzas....*

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn. Way too long. "no one knows your bear a thorn / inside you" says the same thing, but with more the point of brevity.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave. I think this could either be more vivid, or be replaced with something else. Maybe this and the lines before and after could be used to elaborate on the nature of the thorn, as well as the nature of the crime?
A home has never been a place for the obscene, 
it's not your home when it's a crime scene. Rhyme sounds kinda off. I think this line should be enough; omit the earlier. And maybe make the crime itself clearer; what exactly did mommy and daddy do? You don't have to say it directly, but the references so far aren't enough.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn, Naw, "baby of the dawn" is enough here. Even if there's an element of growth here, "baby of the dawn" is better in terms of that color-punch of maturity.
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door. Bit long again. Could be pared down -- and maybe made into an imperative? Set the mood in the first, elaborate in the second, lead to an uplifting, but a still-to-be-done, coda, maybe.

In general, each line could be shorter, and the images could be more vivid, as well as better elaborated on. Thanks for the read!

Thank you for your comments I had to google "Lemonhope", it's very interesting that the poem reminded you of this animation. I will in fact rewrite the poem to imply the nature of the crime more clearly. As far as rhythm is concerned, I don't think I am able to make any corrections yet for I am still very new at this. I will try to make the lines shorter though! Again, thank you ^_^